If you are not currently in trauma, you will be. Doom happens. No matter how okay things are at the moment, the human condition requires that we all experience some real shit. I am deep in the muddy darkness right now. I have experienced the numbness that comes after sadness and pain and anxiety. That point where you can’t feel anything anymore, there is no joy, and you’re ready to make it stop by whatever means necessary. I do not have “good” days lately, only ones where I have somehow managed to peel myself just high enough out of the mud to breathe. I tell you this so you know I’m not some “Hey, just smile more!” idiot who thinks “cheering up” and “counting your blessings” will fix your depression. The advice I’m giving here is not so much self care as it is life saving.
If you are in the mud like I am, this is probably not the time for this list. What you need is support and comfort. If something here helps you, I’m glad, but take it easy on yourself. Do what you can do. And if you get to the numb place, I understand. The people at the Suicide Hotline will understand, too. Have a chat with them.
Now. For those of you who are doing well, or okay, there’s some stuff you can do to help Future Doom You. I am so grateful to Past Me for doing some of these things. They are the reason I am alive now.
FOSTER GOOD RELATIONSHIPS
If you’re married or in a romantic relationship and things are great, make sure you’re talking and having adventures together. If things are… just okay, get into some therapy, whatever works for you, right away. Don’t wait for the horrorshow. If you’re together always, give one another some breathing room for solo time and for strengthening outside friendships. I’m looking at you, boys. Men are far less likely to maintain their friendships as they age, and they’re less likely to talk about their problems. They’re also far more likely to suffer with mental illness and commit suicide. Don’t neglect your friends!
Relationships do not flourish without maintenance. If you have a bomb friend, give them a text right now. “I’m checking up on you. What’s up?” Yes, I know life is crazy busy, but get some face time with them. It is likely that at least one of your friends is suffering from trauma right now and you don’t know it. Find out. Ask, “What can I do?” not “Lemme know.” People in the mud think they’re a nuisance. They are afraid to ask for help. Offer things like freezable casseroles (is my Midwest upbringing showing?) and clean kitchens and walks and glasses of wine. Listen to them. If all they need is space, make sure they know your ear and your hug is ready when they are.
Being present for others is also a sure way to stay alive while you’re in your own trauma. When you’re unemployed, for example, often the worst thing you can do is sit at home in the dark. Find a volunteer opportunity, help out your friends and relatives, rescue a pet, and spend time with your kiddos.
CHALLENGE YOURSELF AND FAIL
Failure will be a whole lot more devastating if you’ve never failed before. Challenge yourself in varied ways while you’re healthy and happy, and make it tough enough that you don’t always succeed. Start that little side business. Sign up for a mud run. Travel to a country where you don’t speak the language. (Also, learn that language.) Ask that guy out. Send that short story to a magazine’s slush pile. Lift weights. Make a website. What you learn from failure will mean everything when life goes to hell. You will already have tools in place for picking yourself up and moving forward. You will know you’ve not yet found the end of the world. You will be industrious and confident.
SAVE MONEY
NOW IS THE TIME. If you work in tech like I do, your job statistically won’t last longer than five years. Economy crashes, upside-down mortgages, divorce, out-of-nowhere illnesses, deaths in the family, these things happen. Most people don’t plan for them; it feels morbid or unfaithful to do so. Get over it. Head over to the Personal Finance Subreddit and start figuring it out. It couldn’t hurt to learn how to make your own coffee and pack your lunches, too, if that’s the sort of thing you buy every day. My career would be over if I had not gotten rid of all of my debt, lived fairly frugally, and saved up an emergency fund.
GET RID OF YOUR CRAP
Do you have a storage space full of stuff you haven’t seen in a year? You don’t need it. Pick a day, put some good music on, and start sorting through that stuff in the back of your closet. Go through your clothes. Shred your unnecessary documents and mail. Donate the good stuff you’ll never use. If you have a collection, dust it off and display it. Frame and hang the damn pictures. The last thing you’ll want when God Almighty takes a dump on your dreams is a home that chokes you with old garbage and a bill for storage every month.
ATTACK THAT ADDICTION
When I was 17, I worked night shift at a grocery store. I went out on smoke breaks with the night crew. I’ll never forget the night manager croaking, through puffs of Pall Mall Reds, “I’d quit if I had some time away. I’d have to be on a tropical island for awhile.” That lady was never going to get a nice, chill couple of months on a deserted, tropical island where she could get a handle on her addiction - and if she ever did, the addiction would return as soon as she returned to that cold Colorado winter.
If you have a problem with drinking, smoking, gambling, binge eating, drugs, sex, whatever it is that feels unhealthy and out of control for you, NOW IS THE TIME. Gather all of the help you need. Get a therapist, get a group, get an app, read a book, get started, and fail. (You’re going to fail. Then you’re going to get started again. That’s how things go.) Your tropical island is not coming.
GET INVOLVED
Squeeze yourself into a community. Church is an easy one, but if that isn’t your thing (it isn’t mine), find another. Those Crossfit people know what they’re doing with their inter-box competitions and their barbecues. Get on Meetup and find something cool to do with others.
Volunteer and donate, too. Pick an organization that matters to you and set up a monthly donation. It doesn’t have to be huge, but it will be huge to those who need it.
Support creators you love. Drop a dollar into their Patreons and back their Kickstarters.
Subreddits and WoW guilds, while wonderful, don’t count. Get out into the world in whatever way is comfortable for you.
CREATE GOOD HABITS
Read The Power of Habit to get started. Habits can be changed, and the time to change them is while you’re feeling well.
I grew up surrounded by obesity and addiction. I never moved if I didn’t have to. But when I was nineteen years old, I took the dog for a walk. Then I did it again. After awhile, I jogged a bit, hoping no one would see me. I did a little something every day, nothing brutal. When it was cold, I walked around the house a few times. I created new neurological pathways in my brain. Moving my body, no matter how little, became just a thing I did without thinking about it first.
Now, many (many) years later, even though I am deep in the mud of life, I exercise often. I get my gym clothes on and drive to the gym like a zombie. I don’t think about it. I go through the motions of it. The kind of exercise doesn’t matter much; weight lifting will give you those yummy happy hormones, but sometimes the world is heavy enough and what you need is a yoga class. Lately I haven’t felt like leaving the house, so I have an old spin bike I bought cheap off Craigslist and an app with a bunch of classes on it and I do that. I require no internal motivational speeches to exercise. It just happens. I am so grateful to Past Me for this gift.
While you’re doing well, learn how to fuel your body. Some people feel absolutely fantasmo on a high-protein diet; some people crash without their oatmeal and fruit. Find out what kinds of foods work for your body, then figure out how to make them delicious, because I don’t care how great boiled chicken breast is for you. When the Shitshow comes to town, you’re gonna want cake. If you’re me. And probably if you’re you. And yes Keren, my lovely original personal trainer, CAKE DOES MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. And so does Banana Bacardi straight from the bottle. But I spent some time learning how to make healthy food good enough to eat at midnight while weeping into the cat. Especially veggies, en masse, straight from the oven. Thanks, Past Me.
You also need to learn how to sleep. I know there was a time in my life when I crashed out and (oh my god imagine it) slept through the entire night, but it feels like that was a whole other person. Now I am a lady with anxieties and pain and enemies who don’t know they’re my enemies. I attacked this issue from every angle. Now my bedroom is a cozy comfy sanctuary, I have sleepytime supplements and light-reducing things, I have meditations and binaural whatevers, and Friends on Netflix if all else fails. Figure out your sleep stuff ASAP. It changes everything.
And (ugh) you’re gonna need a meditation practice. This is the worst. I can suffer through ninety minutes of hot yoga and an hour of weightlifting followed by a HIIT spin workout, but I kick and scream and whine and put off my daily ten minutes of meditation. I wish it wasn’t a thing I have to do, but it is. I hate sitting still. I hate visualizing. I hate the language around it, as I am a practical sort of lady and meditation sounds like a Gwyneth Paltrow lie. But it works. I don’t know how it works, but it creates real change. It makes you see things differently. It doesn’t get rid of anxiety, but it changes how you look at anxiety. One day, you just sort of notice that you’re more patient. Or that you don’t yell at other drivers in the car as much. Your focus lasts longer. You can endure more. So get down with what the man-bunned meditators have known for thousands of years. I like the Headspace app.
PURSUE YOUR THING
What’s that thing you would do if you had the time for it? Do that thing. Spend a little time every week on a passion project or hobby. Learn to surf or code. Write a page of that book. Build a chair. Learn that language. Do it when it gets boring and difficult. Do it after you’ve failed at it. There may be a time when that “hobby” becomes a job opportunity. Or it may never. Your hobbies and passion projects are you. I am kicking myself for not completing my novel before now, when I could be shining it up and sending it to agents. You may find yourself too old or injured to do the thing you always dreamed of when the time comes. Every time I travel to Italy, I see older people on their first trip abroad struggling with the ancient stairs and cobbles, too set in their ways to enjoy new flavors or flub a new language.
DREAM
Survivalists will tell you that hope is as essential as water. People go numb and give up when they could’ve made it.
Visualize what you want. Make lists. I have Pinterest boards for my goals and future best life; I hung up framed maps from the Italian cities I have explored; I pinned favorite mementos to a board in my bedroom. Some days, I have to spend some time on that Pinterest board full of Boston Terriers, motorcycles, surfing, and Lo Stadio San Siro just to force myself out of bed. Yes, action I do not currently have the means or energy to take is required to make that best life happen, but for now, I make dreaming an integral part of my day. It chases away the numbness.
I know what it’s like to work insane hours and find time to maintain a home and still make it to parent-teacher conferences, but as I said in the beginning, these things are life saving when life gets impossibly hard.
If you’re in that time now, this stuff can (mostly) wait. Just know that you matter. You are important, and the world is better with you in it. And all this stuff will be there when you surface again.